Don't Mess with Newfoundlanders!

A Newfoundlander went to see a psychiatrist. When he got there, he said, I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to
me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll think about it," said the Newfoundlander.

Six months later, the doctor met the Newfie on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?"
asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A bartender cured me for $10.... I was so happy to have saved all that money, I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"

You Know You're Drunk When . . .

A Newfie, called Wally, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes there's another tree directly in his path! He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the police siren and stops his car. The officer approaches Wally's car and asks him what on earth is he doing.

Wally tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence an says, "Fer Chrise sakes, Wally, that's yer airfreshener !"

Canadians in Hell, EH!

Two guys from Sudbury die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil
stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and
toques warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow
and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up
The heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in
parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot
down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from
Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a
Chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two
guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are
wailing and screaming everywhere.

He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in
Light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is
astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem
to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm
weather up there in Sudbury so we've just got to have a cook-out when
the weather's THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do
anything but wail, moan, and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets
there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens.

NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like
Mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat
you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is
wrong with you two???"

The two Canadians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know?If hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!!!

Senility Works!

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.

They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty-thousand dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers."And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two RCMP Constables are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the officers sit the man down and begin to question him.

One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says,"Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday... "

One of the Constables looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here..."

The Light Bulb

A Newfie was working in a factory in Toronto. One day his buddy says, "I think I'll take some time off from work."

"How do you think you'll do that?" said the Newf.

He proceeded to show him....by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The Newfie began walking out too.

The boss asked him where he thought he was going. The Newfie answered, "Home, I can't work in the dark".