A Spring Visit to Cape Breton

Buddy sent me these photos taken 3 Apr 2007 near Cheticamp on the Cabot Trail.

Don't Mess with Newfoundlanders!

A Newfoundlander went to see a psychiatrist. When he got there, he said, I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to
me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll think about it," said the Newfoundlander.

Six months later, the doctor met the Newfie on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?"
asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A bartender cured me for $10.... I was so happy to have saved all that money, I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"

You Know You're Drunk When . . .

A Newfie, called Wally, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes there's another tree directly in his path! He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the police siren and stops his car. The officer approaches Wally's car and asks him what on earth is he doing.

Wally tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence an says, "Fer Chrise sakes, Wally, that's yer airfreshener !"

Canadians in Hell, EH!

Two guys from Sudbury die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil
stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and
toques warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow
and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up
The heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in
parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot
down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from
Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a
Chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two
guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are
wailing and screaming everywhere.

He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in
Light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is
astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem
to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm
weather up there in Sudbury so we've just got to have a cook-out when
the weather's THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do
anything but wail, moan, and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets
there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens.

NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like
Mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat
you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is
wrong with you two???"

The two Canadians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know?If hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!!!

Senility Works!

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.

They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty-thousand dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers."And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two RCMP Constables are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the officers sit the man down and begin to question him.

One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says,"Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday... "

One of the Constables looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here..."

The Light Bulb

A Newfie was working in a factory in Toronto. One day his buddy says, "I think I'll take some time off from work."

"How do you think you'll do that?" said the Newf.

He proceeded to show him....by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The Newfie began walking out too.

The boss asked him where he thought he was going. The Newfie answered, "Home, I can't work in the dark".

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELLER

Isn't It Wonderfull To Live In Canada!

December 8:
6:00pm. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I LOVE SNOW!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.

Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12:
The sun melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a White Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man; I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20" forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra snow shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all!

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think is very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but I won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.

December 20:
Electricity is back on, but had another 14" of the darned stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darned snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they say they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.

Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying.

Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a White Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August.

Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and got dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.

Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What - is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24:
6 inches!!! Snow packed so hard by the snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that son of a gun who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I KNOW he waits around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 60 miles per hour and throws snow all over where I've just shovelled!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the &*&*(&)^^ snowplow.

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the *#(Q%&)($*&^@ slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I HATE THE SNOW!!

Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move to Canada? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -50 and the pipes froze.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -30. Still snowed in. The BROAD is driving me crazy!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it will cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to mother.

9" predicted!

December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.

Why am I tied to the bed?

The RCMP Are Well-Trained

In most of the Canadian Provinces, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop into the single digits or below.

One morning in March 2004 about 3AM an RCMP Constable was awakened to respond to such a call of a car off the shoulder on the Trans Canada Highway outside of Medicine Hat, Alberta.

The Constable located the car still running, stuck in deep snow alongside the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, the Constable walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka on the seat. He tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the RCMP Constable standing next to his car. The man panicked, he jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 KPH, but its still stuck in the snow.

The Constable, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 20 seconds when the RCMP Officer yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over".

The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Once out of the car the drunken driver asked about the RCMPs' special training and just how can the Constable run 50 KPH.

The man was arrested still believing that an RCMP Constable had outrun his car.